Relationships: Sibling Rivalry

Children prefer to have their parents' love and attention all to themselves. As the baby of the family, Haaziq knows by now that Aqeelah, his sister has some of the independence and privileges he wants for himself, while Aqeelah is discovering that she does not want her little brother tagging along wherever she goes. The result: arguing, name-calling, teasing, tattling, pushing, and hitting that will occupy for hours and ultimately threaten my sanity. By now I have discovered just how much life changes when you have more that one child. It’s not just twice the amount of work, nor simply twice the amount of care and love. Juggling the demands of two very different individuals, with their particulars needs, requires skills and patience beyond the capacities of even the saintliest of parents. Nevertheless, this is a good time to teach your children the importance of treating each other respectfully and resolving their own conflicts. The more their relationship develops, the more they seem to antagonise each other but with some careful navigation and lots of understanding, you can minimize the headaches and make life at home more harmonious.

Try not to foster competition. Resist the temptation to compare your children. Instead, emphasize each child's unique strengths. Praise and reward them together whenever possible. Don’t play favorites. This favouritism can make them too competitive, and may cause distress to one child if the other is constantly held up as an example

Don't strive for equality. When parents, with the best of intentions, try to treat their children equally, they create more problems than they solve. Instead, treat your children as individuals. Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs. Even if you are able to do everything totally equally, your children will still feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.

Discourage tattling. Make it clear that you won't stand for your children trying to get each other into trouble. But be sure they understand the one important exception to this rule: If anybody is in danger of getting hurt or is hurting someone, then you need to hear about it right away.

Intervene and set limits when necessary. In general, avoid getting involved in your children's arguments. Ignore small squabbles and encourage your kids to work out problems themselves. If emotions are escalating and you see fury or tears on the horizon, though, they probably need your help, if only to facilitate communication. Listen to all sides of the debate, allowing no one to interrupt the person saying his piece. Then sum up the problem, acknowledge its difficulty, and have the kids propose solutions. You might even want to leave them alone, expressing your confidence in their ability to work it out. Of course, there are times when one child will clearly be at fault. Then take him aside and lay down guidelines for future scuffles.

Acknowledge feelings. Sometimes talking about a child's feelings is all it takes to end a competitive bout. Set aside “alone time” for each child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.

Dole out rewards. When your kids have to spend a lot of time together — such as on a family car trip — try establishing a reward system. You might be surprised at how well your kids cooperate when they have their eyes on the prize.

Divide and conquer. Siblings tend to go through periods in which they're best friends and periods when they're sworn enemies. When your family's in battle mode, splitting up into child / parent pairs can ease the tension
It seems that no matter how well organised, patient and resourceful, there is little parents can do to completely eradicate sibling rivalry. Being aware of the fact that every child is extremely sensitive to all other relationship in the family can be very helpful for parents, because the child is not only gauging how loved and appreciated he is, but also how this measures with respect to his sibling.